|
The editor of our new “Dull Collections”
section, Colonel Ector, collects those little bars of soap found in hotel rooms.
He now has well over seventy, each one different from the other.
We were curious how — why — he started collecting little bars of soap. “I wasn’t originally a collector of little bars of hotel soap,” the Colonel said. “You might say that it was forced upon me. It began many years ago, in a hotel room, back when I was only a Major. I was doing a lot of traveling at the time.” He then handed us a file of letters he’d exchange with the hotel’s Housekeeping staff: Dear
Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank
you,
Major Ector
Dear
Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy,
Relief Maid
Dear
Maid,
I hope you are my regular
maid.
Major Ector
Dear
Major,
My day off was last Wed. so
the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I
took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap
dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed
inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further
assistance.
Your
regular maid,
Dear
Major,
The assistant manager, Mr.
Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you
were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I
hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Elaine
Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear
Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact
you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back
before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were
already off duty.
Major
Ector
Dear
Major Ector,
Your maid, Kathy, has been
instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I
can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine
Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear
Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is
missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size
Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little
Cashmere Bouquets.
Major
Ector
Dear
Major Ector,
I have informed our
housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there
was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap
each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin
L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
Dear
Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little
bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap.
I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.
Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
Major
Ector
Dear
Major Ector,
You complained of too much
soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder
that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays
which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I
don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3
daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size
Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine
Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear
Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring
you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On bedroom dresser
- 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Please ask Kathy when she
services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also,
please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I
suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent
spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of
bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
Major
Ector
The above exchange of letters was copied/adapted from something that has been floating around the internet for several years now, we think it originally appeared in The Times (London) This was adapted from something we came across flying through cyberspace which we understand may have come from A Hotel Is a Funny Place by Shelley Berman . . . click here to get the book . . .
|
