The future for calendars?

A calendar's days are numbered

Writing with broken pencil

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless

Thief who steals corn

Did you hear about the thief who was caught stealing corn?

He was charged with stalking.

Bicycle — can't stay up?

Why can't a bicycle stay up by itself?

Because it's two tired

Pepper & Salt

What did the Pepper say to the Salt?

Season's Greetings

[Thanks to Tom Ditchfield, Winchester, Hampshire]

 

Number one cause of divorce?

What's the number one cause of dirvorse?

 

 

Marriage

[Thanks to Freddie in Washington DC for this]

Dog's Telegram

A dog went into a telegraph office to send a telegram. The dog wrote: "Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof."

The clerk read what the dog wrote and said, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

The dog replied, "But then the message wouldn't make any sense."

Two fonts in a bar

Two fonts, Verdana and Helvetica, walk into a bar.

The bartender, when he sees them, shouts, "Hey you two, please get out. We don't serve your type in here."

Termite in Bar

A termite walks into a bar.

The termite asks a question.

"Is the bartender here?"

Puns for Higher IQs

Dear DMC,

For the Groaners from Grover page?

Steve Reszetriak
London

— — —

Dear Steve,

Yes, these belong on Groaners from Grover. Perhaps the full name of the page should be Groaners from Grover and Friends.

Grover

Puns for Higher IQs

• If you jump off the bridge in Paris, you are in Seine

• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

• Practice safe eating - always use condiments

• Shotgun wedding - it's a case of wife or death

• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

• A hangover is the wrath of grapes

• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired

• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away)

• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

• She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

• If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

• Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under

• Every calendar's days are numbered

• A lot of money is tainted -  Taint yours and taint mine

• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

• He had a photographic memory that was never developed

• A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

• Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

• Acupuncture is a jab well done.\

 

The Broom's Wedding

Two brooms were hanging together in a closet. After a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The wedding was lovely.

Two Snakes

Two snakes are slithering down the sidewalk.

One says to the other, "Hey, are we poisonous?"

The other says, "I don't know, why?"

The first snake says, "Because I just bit my lip."

Apartment Criticized

"She criticized my apartment."

"So I knocked her flat."

A Man and a Chain

A man was dragging a chain down a street.

The sheriff stopped him and asked why he was dragging the chain.

The man replied, “Have you ever tried pushing a chain?”